The Philosophy of Nonviolent Communication

Recently, I was introduced to the concept of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) whilst reading Marshall B. Rosenburg’s book aptly-titled Nonviolent Communication, in which he lays down its definition and applications. I found the book to be highly interesting, and rated it a 5/5, meaning “I loved it”— I encourage you to read it. I wrote a review of that book with notes, but I’m writing this post to curate a more full representation of the philosophy, as well as my non-book-related opinions about it.

Why?

To convince you that NVC has value, I first need to convince you that it solves something. Simply put, the way that most people communicate is… not ideal. In a normal day, we put out countless judgements, accusations, assumptions, arguments. These communication methods are actively harmful and make it more difficult for our needs to be met.

Since being exposed to NVC, I’ve realized that we all have needs. Yes, needs involve basic human survival necessities like food and water, but we need more than that; we need autonomy, meaning, safety, respect, and so much more. Often times, we struggle to communicate these needs— and how we want people to respond to them— effectively.

In the simplest and most practical sense, NVC is a communication tool ¹ that helps you communicate with empathy and meet everyone’s needs.

The Theory

The reason modern communication is violent isn’t extremely relevant, but if you’re curious, there is a theory in NVC. Rosenburg’s theory begins about 5 to 10 thousand years ago, when human civilizations were beginning to create power structures based around kings and leaders. His theory says that in order to keep people obedient, our society began to use what he calls “jackal language”. This type of language is one that judges, labels, and accuses others of being “bad” or “evil”, or doing something “wrong”. This is violent communication, and it’s what we are widely accustomed to— most people would even say it’s “natural”. Ghandi, a famous historical pacifist, once said this about that word:

It’s very dangerous to mix up the words “natural” and “habitual”. We have been trained to be quite habitual in ways that are quite unnatural.
—Ghandi

What is NVC?

To boil it down to a single word, I would say NVC is about empathy.

To communicate in a nonviolent way, we must learn to properly empathize, with both our inner selves, and others. You may think you’re already a good empathizer— I did, before I read NVC— but you’re likely falling short in several identifiable ways.

I think it’s helpful to begin with the NVC Process: a 4-step guideline for communicating empathically. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “when you do ____, I feel ____”, the NVC Process will look familiar to you. The idea is that when you wish to express something emotionally charged², or when you are listening to something emotionally charged, you focus on these 4 defined components. I’ll give an overview, then break down each step with more information.

The NVC Process

1. Observation: It begins with an observation. What, specifically, happened that triggered this statement?
2. Feeling: After that thing happened, what did you feel?
3. Need: Everyone has needs, and it’s important to listen to them. What do you need or desire, in relation to this observation and feeling?
4. Request: In his book, Rosenburg says that “whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return” (I challenge you to find a statement where this is not true). Sometimes, we just want someone to listen, nod their head, and say “mmhmm”; sometimes, we want advice; sometimes, we want action.

Example 1: Communicating Empathically

I find that it’s easier to understand these 4 components with an example. Let’s say you’re married, and you just got home from a hard day at work— only to find a stack of dirty dishes in the sink.

• Observations are specific and free of judgement. They’re just pointing out what happened.
• The speakers take responsibility for their feelings and actions.
• A clear observation, feeling, need, and request is made.
• Nobody has to “give in” or “give up”. By expressing their needs, these two people found a solution that meets everyone’s needs. Of course, it’s not always so easy.

Example 2: Listening Empathically

NVC is a two-way street, and it’s equally important to be able to listen empathically. Let’s look at another example— in this example, Person A doesn’t know NVC, and they’re complaining about a coworker to Person B, who knows NVC.

• No matter what Person A says, Person B listens for the observation, feeling, need, and request.
• Person B doesn’t say “I’m sorry” or “Why don’t you just…” or “Well, if you had started last week…“. They simply give their presence to person A.
• Since there wasn’t a clear request, person B asks for one.
• When the conversation feels done, Person B checks in by asking “Is there anything else you wanna say?”
• Since Person A doesn’t use NVC, Person B adapts their language to use NVC without appearing unauthentic.

Step 1: Observation

It always begins with an event— something happened. Simply state what happened as clearly as possible, without mixing in any judgement.

When I got home from work, you didn’t hug me.

• Observe without evaluating. Never mix the two!

  • When we combine observation with evaluation, we decrease the likelihood that others will hear our intended message. Instead, they are apt to hear criticism and thus resist whatever we are saying.

  • Simply state the facts, without mixing in your personal judgement or criticism.
    • ”Stephen is a bad soccer player.” -> “Stephen hasn’t scored in 15 games."
    • "You’re such a terrible spouse.” -> “When I got home, you didn’t approach me or say anything.”

• Make your observations specific to time and context.

  • Avoid words like “always” or “never”, because they’re probably going to be followed by an unspecific observation.
  • ”You never buy me flowers.” -> “You haven’t bought me flowers since Valentine’s Day."
  • "You always leave the dishes in the sink.” -> “You left the dishes in the sink this Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.”

Examples of Observations

• Earlier, you said “I don’t really like riding to work with you.”
• When I got home from work, the house was less organized than I’d like it to be.
• I don’t think Jamie will get the job.
• Her new haircut doesn’t match my style.

Step 2: Feeling

If you’re using NVC to communicate something emotionally charged, then explain what emotion you’re feeling in relation to the observation.

When I got home from work, you didn’t hug me; I’m feeling sad.

• Express a feeling without judgement of the other person/their actions.

  • We often use the word “feel” in the wrong way. Instead of expressing our own emotions, we express our interpretation of another person’s actions or words!
    • ”I feel misunderstood.” means “I think you don’t understand me.” Perhaps you really feel lonely?
    • ”I feel attacked.” means “I think you are attacking me with your words.” Perhaps you really feel angry?
    • ”I feel unloved.” means “I think you don’t love me.” Perhaps you really feel sad?
  • When people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy into self-defense or counterattack.

• Take responsibility for your feelings and actions, instead of blaming others.

  • Avoid saying “You make me feel ____“. It’s a cop-out phrase meant to deny your own personal responsibility for your feelings.
  • No one can make you feel anything. What others say and do can be the stimulus for, but never the cause of, your feelings.
  • E.g., (teacher speaking) “I have to give kids grades because it’s district policy.” —> “I choose to give grades because I want to keep my job.”

• Anger and frustration are special feelings; they tell us that our needs are not being met.

  • Rosenburg believes that it’s impossible to make someone angry— or happy, or sad, or hopeful, or anything for that matter. If you’re angry, consider that it’s not what the other person has said or done that makes us angry; it’s what we tell ourselves about the other person that creates anger.
  • So, what are you telling yourself about the other person?
  • What need of yours is not being met?

Examples of Feelings

• Good, happy, amazed, grateful, thrilled
• Bad, sad, jealous, furious, scared
• Thankful, relaxed, quiet, proud, optimistic
• Horrified, disgusted, resentful, reluctant
• Sleepy, worried, confident, excited

Step 3: Need

Once you’ve identified a clear observation and feeling, identify an underlying need. If you’re new to NVC, this will feel unnatural and will probably be difficult for a while.

When I got home from work, you didn’t hug me; I’m feeling sad, and I’m needing some connection.

• Needs are different from strategies, but we often conflate the two.

  • If you need safety, your go-to strategy might be to be left alone for a while. But, you don’t need to be left alone for a while; you need safety. Being alone is just a strategy you use to get there.
  • Often, we get addicted to strategies; we believe that the only way to meet our need is to use one specific strategy. But, these strategies might not always meet the needs of other people. Be flexible, and don’t become addicted to your strategies.
  • We often misuse the word “need”. A common strategy starts with “I need you to…” as if the only way for your need to be met is for this specific person to do this specific thing. That’s not a need, it’s a strategy.

• Remember that despite what our culture says, it’s okay to have needs; to have needs is to be human.

• All human beings have the same needs.

Examples of Needs

• Autonomy (to choose for myself)
• Acceptance, closeness
• Empathy, reassurance, trust, love, respect, understanding
• Food, sexual expression, touch

Tool: The Nine Needs

Manfred Max-Neef, a Chilean economist, defined economic success not based on GDP, but instead based on whether the society’s needs are being met. He defined these nine needs, which Rosenburg says are enough to cover everything we need. If these specific words don’t match your vocabulary, you don’t have to use them. It’s just a tool!

1. Sustenance (air, water, food, etc.)
2. Safety
3. Love
4. Empathy
5. Recreation/play
6. Community
7. Creativity
8. Autonomy
9. Purpose/meaning

Step 4: Request

In NVC, it’s critical that you end your statements with a clear request. What do you want the other person to say or do?

When I got home from work, you didn’t hug me; I’m feeling sad, and I’m needing some connection. Can we hug now, and can you agree to hug me when I get home from now on?

• When you just say something out loud, it’s often unclear what you want the other person to do. Do you want them to just listen and nod along? Do you want advice? Do you want them to help you with your problem? When you leave out a clear request, there is room for ambiguity, and it’s likely that their response won’t meet your needs.

• Often, people say things without even knowing what they want. When pressed, they might say “I’m just saying.” or “I don’t know,” or “I want you to understand!” or “I want you to fix this!” None of these are clear requests. If you can’t articulate what they want, how can you expect the other person to do it?

• Make concrete requests that say what you do want, not what you don’t want.

  • Say what you do want: “Stop staying late at work all week!” -> “I want you to spend at least 2 evenings a week at home with me.”
  • Be specific and concrete: “I just want you to understand!” -> “I want you to listen and tell me what you think I’m feeling right now.”

Examples of Requests:

• I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said.
• Can you give me some advice to deal with this guy?
• I want you to put away your phone and listen to me tell you about my day.
• Can you tell me what you just heard me say?

Beyond the NVC Process

At this point, you may be thinking that this NVC process is extremely formal, structured, and completely unauthentic. But you don’t have to follow the NVC process strictly. The four components should be there, but the words can vary greatly from person to person. For example, some people refuse to use the word “need”, and instead say “desire” or “want”. And sometimes, you don’t even need to say aloud every single component— nonverbal signs like glances, smiling, crying, or using tone of voice can communicate observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

Figure out what’s natural and authentic for you.

Specific Scenarios

Sometimes, it’s hard to see how NVC fits into a specific type of communication. Hopefully this section helps.

Expressing Appreciation

Instead of just saying “thank you,” you can use NVC to enhance the way you express appreciation.

• Appreciate is used to celebrate, not to get something in return (that’s manipulation).
  • Ask yourself, before you express appreciation: am I saying this because my need was truly met, or am I saying this because I want to motivate this behavior in the future?

  • …the beauty of appreciated is spoiled when people begin to notice the lurking intent to get something out of them.

Express appreciation using these 3 familiar components:

1. (Observation) This is what you did
2. (Feeling) This is what I feel
3. (Need) This is the need of mine that was met

Expressing an Apology

• Since there is no such thing as “wrong” or “bad” in NVC, the concept of an apology… kinda loses meaning.

  • Any apology that comes out of thinking you did something wrong is not gonna be good for you or the other person.

• Saying “I’m sorry” usually doesn’t mean much.

  • The word “I’m sorry” means almost nothing; people can say that and not feel anything. You say that to buy forgiveness.

• Rosenburg calls an NVC apology “giraffe mourning,” because it’s about expressing how you failed to meet your own needs.

  • Listen to what your “inner educator” (read: inner critic) is telling you about yourself. (e.g., “I’m a bad person.“)
  • Listen to the unmet need that your inner educator is trying to tell you.
  • ”Giraffe mourning” example: “You know, the way I talked to you earlier… I feel really sad. It doesn’t meet my need for respecting and understanding you.”

Receiving a Negative Message

When we receive a difficult or negative message, we have four choices:

1. Blame ourselves.
2. Blame the other person (get defensive).
3. Sense your own feelings and needs.
4. Sense the feelings and needs hidden in the other person’s negative message.

Option 4, sensing the other person’s feelings and needs, is almost always the best option. When we receive criticism, it’s natural for us to quickly play the blame game— but when was the last time that worked? Next time, try choosing to ignore the negative words, and consider that criticism is a tragic expression of an unmet need. What’s the other person’s unmet need?

When the other person says “stop talking like a psychotherapist!”

• Remember that when you’re empathizing with someone else, you don’t have to say all four components out loud— just listen for them and repeat them in your head.

Rewards and Punishments

NVC is not compatible with the use of rewards and punishments³. If you’re attempting to use rewards or punishments to promote or discourage behavior, consider these questions:

1. What do I want this person to do?
2. What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing it?

When you use rewards and punishments, you may get the person to do what you want, but it will be for the wrong reasons.

Resources

• cognitivetech’s NVC Github page is a fantastic resource.
• Wikipedia: Marshall B. Rosenburg
• NVC training podcasts on Spotify