Nonviolent Communication

Marshall B. Rosenburg

5/5

"I loved it"

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is an excellent book, full of practical ways to understand how your words come across to others, and how you can learn to communicate more effectively to reduce conflict and misunderstanding and increase life-giving communication.

In another book called Single. Dating. Engaged. Married., I was first introduced to this magical phrase: “I feel ____ when you ____.” If you’ve never heard of this phrase (I’m unaware if it has a name), I strongly recommend you consider using it in future interpersonal conflict. The majority of our interpersonal conflict arises from misunderstanding each other’s intentions, often attributing them to malice when there is none (Henlon’s razor, anyone?). Humans are lightning quick to judge. When you stop accusing others, and instead simply say 1. what happened and 2. how it made you feel, you open up a whole new world of communication. Nonviolent Communication takes this core concept, this magical phrase, and without losing its simplicity and practicality, expands it to a framework of thinking and communication known (you guessed it) as “Nonviolent Communication”.

The core of NVC is a four-step process. When you communicate something emotionally charged, or are receiving an emotionally charged message from someone else, try to identify these four components: observation, feeling, need, request. For example, if your spouse forgot to do the dishes, you might say “When I noticed that you forgot to do the dishes, I felt angry, because I want to split the chores evenly. Can you do them tomorrow morning?” Your communication doesn’t always have to be so formatted or verbose, but those 4 components should be there. Notice how you never made a judgement of the other person. And when your spouse says, “You forgot to close the garage door again! You don’t do your fair share around here,” you can interpret their words (however abrasive they may be) into those same 4 components, and respond accordingly. If this process seems complicated or interesting, I strongly encourage you to read Nonviolent Communication- it’s just not something I can explain in a paragraph.

A sign of a great book is that I want to take notes on almost everything it says. Reading Nonviolent Communication took way longer than it could have, because I was constantly taking notes! The content in this book is so good, so beneficial, so practical, that I wish I could memorize all of it. It’s a terrible trend that so many psychology/self-help books drone on and on, repeating themselves over and over and sharing barely relevant stories. NVC was a well-desired break from that style. The end of every chapter contains an NVC in Action section that walks through how NVC can be used in a new context, and I found these to be generally helpful.

The author, Marshall B. Rosenburg, has strong (sometimes controversial) opinions about communication, that I didn’t always agree with. For example, Rosenburg believes that all judgement is “life-alienating communication,” and that it’s always bad to assign labels to people like “mean” or “compassionate” or “a good listener”; I am led to believe that in Rosenburg’s opinion, there is no such thing as a “good” or “bad” person. According to NVC, we should all communicate to each other (and about each other) without judgements, which is very difficult to do. Rosenburg also suggests that we should never deny our own needs, and instead focus on acting out of compassion. Regardless, I appreciate the perspective he brings to communication, even if I’m unsure about some of the conclusions he’s made.

Read Nonviolent Communication. I can all but guarantee you will become a better communicator and empathizer to yourself and others.

Notes

The NVC Process

1. (Observation) The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being
2. (Feeling) How we feel in relation to what we observe
3. (Need) The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings
4. (Request) The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives

• Remember that the point of NVC is not to get what you want. It’s to “establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy”.

• Doing NVC correctly and habitually will take time.

  • Practice is essential… Judging and blaming have become second nature to us. To practice NVC, we need to proceed slowly, think carefully before we speak, and often just take a deep breath and not speak at all. Learning the process and applying it both take time.

• Do not “demand” things.

• When someone communicates negatively, you can respond in 4 ways:

  1. Blame yourself.
  2. Blame the other person.
  3. Sense your own feelings and needs.
  4. Sense the feelings and needs hidden in the other person’s negative message.

1. Observe

• Learn to observe without evaluating. Never mix the two!

  • When we combine observation with evaluation, we decrease the likelihood that others will hear our intended message. Instead, they are apt to hear criticism and thus resist whatever we are saying.

  • Make your observations specific to time and context, and free of judgement.
    • ”You never buy me flowers.” -> “You haven’t bought me flowers since Valentine’s Day."
    • "Stephen is a bad soccer player.” -> “Stephen hasn’t scored in 15 games.”

2. Feeling

• Learn to express your feelings.

  • Often, we use the word “feel” in the wrong way. Instead of expressing our emotions, we express our interpretation of another person’s actions or words.
    • ”I feel misunderstood.” means “I think you don’t understand me.” Perhaps you really feel lonely?
    • ”I feel attacked.” means “I think you are attacking me with your words.” Perhaps you really feel angry?
    • ”I feel unloved.” means “I think you don’t love me.” Perhaps you really feel sad?
  • When people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy into self-defense or counterattack.
  • It’s self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing someone else’s behavior: instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond with compassion.

• Take responsibility for your feelings and actions, instead of blaming others.

  • ”You make me feel ____” (e.g. guilty) is an example of the denial of one’s personal responsibility for their feelings and thoughts.
    • No one can make you feel anything. What others say and do can be the stimulus for, but never the cause of, your feelings.

    • …what other people do is never the cause of what we feel.

  • (teacher speaking) “I have to give kids grades because it’s district policy.” —> “I choose to give grades because I want to keep my job.”
  • When you say “I feel because…” you’re probably about to attribute your emotion to something external. Truthfully, you feel because some inner desire was(n’t) met.
  • Instead of saying “I feel because…” try saying “I feel because I…” this leads you to connect your feeling to a need/desire.

3. Need

• A “need” can be a lot of things:
  • Physical (e.g, food, water, rest, sex)
  • Not physical (e.g., emotional safety, trust, reassurance, laughter, fun, meaning, acceptance, freedom of choice, respect)
• Our culture tells us that needs are bad— “don’t be selfish; deny your own needs!” This can be damaging.
  • Mothers are particularly targeted by this belief, and often neglect their own needs.

4. Request

• Often, people talk without a clear request in mind.

  • ”Oh, I was just saying that because I felt like it.”

  • My belief is that, whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return. It may simply be an empathic connection- a verbal or nonverbal acknowledgment… that our words have been understood. Or we may be requesting honesty: we wish to know the listener’s honest reaction to our words. Or we may be requesting an action that we hope would fulfill our needs. The clearer we are on what we want back from the other person, the more likely it is that our needs will be met.

• Leaving out a request leaves room for ambiguity.

  • ”I’m angry that you forgot to get onions at the store.” Do you want them to go back to the store, or just listen?

• How to make a request:

  • Use positive language when making requests; negative language leaves ambiguity.
    • ”Don’t spend so much time at work.” -> “Spend at least 2 evenings a week at home doing activities with me.”
  • Make concrete requests.
    • ”I want you to let me be me!” -> “This is awkward, but I guess what I really want is for you to smile and say that whatever I do is okay.”

• You can request a reflection.

  • If you’re unsure that the message you sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back.
  • E.g., “Is that clear?”, “Can you say it in your own words?”
  • Remember that an assertion like “You didn’t hear me!” can lead to the other person to think they’re being chastised.

• You can request honesty.

  • You want to know their feelings: “I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said, and your reasons for feeling as you do.”
  • You want to know their thoughts or opinions (be specific): “I’d like you to tell me whether you predict my proposal will be successful, and if not, what would prevent its success.”
  • You want to know whether a person will commit to a request: “I’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to postpone our meeting for one week.”

• In a group setting, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re wanting.

• Remember to make requests rather than demands.

  • A request is made open-ended; you’re okay with “no”.
  • When you make a demand, you give 2 options: submission or rebellion. Neither are healthy nor helpful.
  • Sometimes, we make demands without knowing it.
  • It’s a demand if the speaker then blows up angrily.
    • ”Can you help me move this table?"
    • "No, I’m about to get an important phone call."
    • "How typical of you to make excuses for helping me!”
  • It’s a demand if the speaker then lays a guilt trip.
    • ”Can we go out tonight?"
    • "No, I’m tired, and I need to do ____.”
    • (Sighs, looks down) “You know how lonely I am. If you really loved me, you’d spend time with me.”
  • It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy towards the other person’s needs.
  • Worst: “Set the table.” Better: “I want you to set the table.” Best: “Would you be willing to set the table?”
  • Choosing to request rather than demand doesn’t mean you give up when someone says no, or that you can’t engage in persuasion.

3 Stages of Emotional Liberation:

As we learn to empathize and communicate using NVC, you’re likely to travel through these 3 stages of “emotional liberation”:

1. Emotional Slavery. You think you’re responsible for others’ emotions. You think you have to always keep everyone happy.
2. Obnoxious Stage. You don’t take responsibility for others’ emotions anymore; in fact, you don’t care how they feel— that’s up to them. You’ve learned to express your needs and risk dealing with the displeasure of others.
3. Emotional Liberation. You respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame. You accept responsibility for your own emotions, but not the emotions of others.

How to Provide Empathy to Others

Using NVC to communicate goes both ways, and even if the person you’re speaking to doesn’t know NVC, you can still use its methodologies to better understand and empathize with them.

In NVC, no matter what words people use to express themselves, we listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

• Very few people can adequately empathize. Mostly, people just try to give advice or explain their own thoughts. But, true empathy is about the other person.
• Some common empathy-blocking behaviors: (I’ve used all of these, and I hear them everywhere I go):
  • Advising (“I think you should…”), One-upping (“that’s nothing, wait till you hear what happened to me…”), Educating (“you could turn this into a positive situation if you just…”), Story-telling (“That reminds me of a time…”), Interrogating (“When did this begin?”), Correcting (“That’s not how it happened.“)

• Believing we have to “fix” situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present… When we are thinking about people’s words and listening to how they are connecting to our theories, we are looking at people— we are not with them.

• Sometimes, it’s helpful to reflect/paraphrase someone’s words back to them. This ensures you understand correctly and also makes them feel listened to and understood. It can also lead to deeper reflection when the person hears you say it (“Yeah, I guess I do feel that way… hmm…“)
  • The cue could be verbal (e.g., they say “Does that make sense?” or “Do you understand?”) or nonverbal.
  • When you paraphrase, make sure your tone isn’t sarcastic or ridiculing (e.g, “Yeah, I heard you, you basically said I’m a terrible person!”).
  • Remember that you’re asking whether your interpretation is correct; you’re not stating it as fact.
• We can know we’re done empathizing with someone by 2 clues:
  1. We sense a release of tension in ourselves/the conversation.
  2. The flow of words comes to a halt. (You can be absolutely sure by just asking “Is there more you wanted to say?“)

Using NVC on yourself

• The goal in decision-making is to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation.
• Follow this process:
  1. Write down a list of all the things you feel like you “have” to do.
  2. Acknowledge that you do these things because you choose to do them, not because you have to. Change the list to “I choose to…”
  3. Finish the sentence: “I choose to [do activity] because I…”

• Be conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or approval, and by fear, shame, and guilt. Know the price you pay for them.

• The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things “because we’re supposed to”.

Anger

• I see all anger as a result of life-alienating, violence-provoking thinking. At the core of all anger is a need that is not being filled.

Punishment

• When you’re wanting to punish someone for something, ask yourself:
  1. What do I want this person to do?
  2. What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing it?
• When you use external factors (e.g., punishment or rewards) to influence someone’s behavior, it teaches them to behave for the wrong reasons.

Appreciation

• I define judgements— both positive and negative— as life-alienating communication.

• When people notice that you’re just “appreciating”/praising them in order to promote a certain behavior. It makes them feel manipulated, and manipulative praise only works for a short time.

  • …the beauty of appreciated is spoiled when people begin to notice the lurking intent to get something out of them.

• When you use NVC to show appreciation, it is purely to celebrate, not to get something in return.

• Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”

Takeaways

• Take responsibility for your feelings and actions. Nobody can make you feel anything.
  • Remember that you are not responsible for the emotions of others.
• Communicate using the NVC method. Observation, Feeling, Need, Request.
• No matter what words someone uses to express themselves, even if it’s negative or offensive, listen for those 4 elements. Remember that empathy is about the other person.

• It’s self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing someone else’s behavior: instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond with compassion.

• Respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame.