The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

John M. Gottman

4/5

"I really liked it"

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is recommended by countless marriage counselors as research-based methodology for improving any marriage. I largely agree with that premise— the book is written well, addresses common marriage myths and pitfalls, and contains plenty of practical marriage advice. Some of my highlights are in the takeaways section below.

Before you even open the book, you see Gottman’s extremely bold claim to fame: “A practical guide form the country’s foremost relationship expert.” I looked into Gottman’s research, and you can read about that below. There is research supporting this book’s positive effects on marital satisfaction.

One of my personal beliefs is that it’s helpful to consistently review marriage curriculum. Even if you won’t remember it all, even if you don’t 100% agree on everything Gottman says, even if not everything he says is right, you can still reflect, learn, and try things out in your own marriage to see what works. It’s exactly that process that leads to growth.

Even if you’ve gone through other marriage curriculum, I would bet you’ll learn something new from this book that you can use in everyday life— I certainly did. If you want to improve your marriage… read this book!

Gottman’s Research

In this book, Gottman makes several claims about being able to predict divorce (which has spawned countless pop-science articles), and the positive effectiveness of his marriage curriculum. I was curious if these claims were true, so I did some research, but ended up writing so much I had to move this section to its own blog post.

If you want the full details, I encourage you to read the post, but here’s my bottom line:

In my opinion, Gottman’s early “divorce prediction” research was important for leading him to his 7 principles, but it was done poorly and communicated poorly to this day. His claim that he can “predict divorce” with high accuracy in only a few minutes is shaky at best. That research is a scar on his reputation that may never fully heal. However, based on multiple studies I’ve seen, there is validity and effectiveness in Gottman’s marital curriculum— he’s correct about the success of his training.

So yes, read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work!

Takeaways

• ”Communication is the secret to a great marriage” is largely a myth— it’s important, but not all-encompassing.

• If you want your marriage to succeed, you have to put your spouse first. Nobody, not even a parent or sibling, comes between the two of you.

• Choose to take your spouse’s side, even if you think they’re being unreasonable. (Of course, I think there are exceptions to this.)

• At the peak of healthy marriages, spouses build up a bank of positive experiences, thoughts, and sacrifices. When something goes wrong, they assume the best of their spouse.

• Marital satisfaction spirals. Once you begin to believe positive or negative things about your spouse, confirmation bias will lead you down that respective path.

• Cultivate a positive and warm shared relationship history— lots of “aww, remember when we…” and “that was so fun when you…”

• Establish family traditions and rituals.

• Towards the end of each day, talk about your day with each other. This is not a time for conflict— it’s for venting, empathy, and “we-ness”.

• Have a weekly meeting to talk about what went right and wrong that week. Express specific appreciation for one another.

• Use “complaints” instead of “criticism”. Complaints have 3 parts: what specifically happened, what do you feel about it, and what to you need/want/prefer. This largely matches up with Nonviolent Communication.

• I often have a hard time defining the word “validate” when it comes to someone’s feelings. I like Gottman’s definition: “letting your partner know that their feelings make sense to you.”

Notes

Intro

• John Gottman says that when he began studying marriage in a scientific way, there was almost zero research out there about making marriage work. He claims that his findings are data and research-driven.

• His research found that prevention-based workshops (that is, divorce prevention) work 3x as well as reactionary workshops.

• Gottman makes many claims that his workshops specifically have greater rates of success compared to other marriage workshops.

• The most commonly recommended problem-solving technique is active listening, where the “speaker” uses “I” statements to talk about their own feelings without making accusations, and the “listener” repeats what they’ve heard to validate and understand.

  • Gottman claims that one piece of research showed that this technique “doesn’t work”.

  • Active listening asks couples to perform Olympic-level emotional gymnastics even if their relationship can barely walk.

  • Gottman admits these techniques are useful, but again, not all-encompassing; you need more.
  • Gottman claims that many successful marriages don’t use this technique at all.

Myths about Marriage

• You can save your marriage just by learning to communicate more sensitively.
  • Marriage is more complicated than that.
• Personality problems ruin marriages.
• Common interests hold marriages together.
  • If you don’t enjoy doing those interests together, does it really count?
• Good marriages involve each partner repaying acts of kindness back towards each other.
  • If you’re “keeping score” in any way, it’s probably a sign of trouble.
• Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage.
  • Some very healthy couples simply avoid conflict.
• Affairs are the root cause of divorce.
  • Usually, it’s separation that leads to adultery.
• Men are not biologically built for monogamy.
• Gender differences must cause marital issues.

How Gottman Predicted Divorce

Gottman did a study of 130 couples where he watches them argue, and predicts whether they will divorce. He had a very high success rate (around 90%). Here are the signs he noticed:

1. Harsh start-up: if the first couple minutes involve harsh accusations or insults, it’s very likely the discussion will go very poorly.
2. The “Four Horsemen” of negativity:
   1. Criticism:

      • There is a world of difference between complain and criticism. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event… it has three parts: (1) Here’s how I feel (“I’m really angry”); (2) About a very specific situation (“you didn’t sweep last night”); (3) And here’s what I need/want/prefer (“Could you do it now?”). In contrast, criticism is a global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality: “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it’s your turn. You just don’t care.” …Two very common forms of criticisms are statements that contain “you always” or “you never”.

   2. Contempt: A form of disrespect; a sense of superiority over your partner; a sense of “I have the moral high ground”. Contempt is fueled by negative thoughts about your partner.
   3. Defensiveness. Research shows that being defensive rarely works the way you want it to; instead, the attacker will feel attacked.
   4. Stonewalling: when one partner “tunes out” as a defense mechanism against feeling overwhelmed. This is far more common in men, because men’s bodies don’t release stress as quickly as women’s.
3. Flooding: when you feel “shell-shocked” from your partner’s negativity.
4. Body language: increased heart rate, surge of adrenaline, high blood pressure, sweating
5. Failed “repair attempts"
   • "Repair attempts” are efforts the couple makes to deescalate a tense discussion, and prevent flooding.
     • E.g., “let’s take a break”, “wait, I need to calm down”
   • Repair attempts decrease emotional tension
   • Even if you’re experiencing the “four horsemen”, a successful repair attempt shows that your marriage can overcome it.
6. Bad memories: unhappy couples rewrite their past to focus on the negative parts, or they simply forget it altogether.

Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

• The “Love Map” is the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.
• Successful couples memorize information about each other: their likes and dislikes, internal and external beliefs, important parts of their past, etc.

Evaluation

Improvement

Get to know each other! Ask questions and try playing question games, like the exercises in this book, “We’re Not Really Strangers”, “Questions for Humans”, etc.

Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

• Fondness and admiration are very important; a feeling that your partner is worthy of honor and respect
  • If they’re missing, reviving a relationship is very difficult
• You can tell a couple’s fondness and admiration by asking them about their past
• Fondness and admiration protect marriage from contempt and negativity

Evaluation

Improvement

• Get into the habit of scanning for qualities and actions you can appreciate, even small things, then verbally appreciate them!
• Frequently reflect on the things you treasure about each other
  • Then, verbally acknowledge and discuss these things with each other
  • Consider doing so on a set schedule

Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

• Partners often make “bids” for each other’s affection or attention
  • E.g., “can you rub my back?”, small favors, big favors
• Couples that respond to bids are more likely to be successful
• Often, a bid is wrapped in criticism and missed.
  • E.g., instead of asking him to clear the table, the wife scolds the husband for never doing it
  • When you hear criticism, try to listen for the bid, not the delivery.
• Nowadays, social media and the Internet are distracting couples from turning towards each other

Evaluation

Improvement

• Towards the end of each day, talk about your day with each other.

  • This is time to talk about things outside your marriage.
  • Remember, don’t give advice unless asked for it.
    • Men are frequent offenders of this. Remember, it’s not your responsibility to “fix” everything your partner is going through.
  • Communicate your understanding with phrases like these:
    • I can see why you feel that way.
    • I get it.
    • You’re making total sense.
    • Oh, wow, that sounds terrible.
    • I totally agree with you.
    • No wonder you’re upset.
    • That must have been annoying.

• Choose to take your spouse’s side, even if you think they’re being unreasonable.

  • Gottman says, your job is to say (not literally) “Poor baby!”
  • This helps express a “we against others” attitude.
  • The point isn’t to be dishonest; it’s just that, when your spouse is venting about their bad day, it’s not the time to attack them. It’s time to empathize.

• Validate emotions, which Gottman describes as “letting your partner know that their feelings make sense to you.”

  • E.g., “Yeah, that is really so sad,” “That would have me worried, too,” “I can see why you’d be annoyed about that.”

• Avoid asking “Why?”

  • People who come from a problem-solving orientation tend to love this word. But in a discussion about what your partner is feeling, “Why?” will almost always sound like criticism. When you ask “Why do you think that?” the other person is likely to hear, “Stop thinking that, you’re wrong!” A more successful approach would be, “What leads you to think that?” or, “Help me understand how you decided that.”

• You can “witness” someone’s distress by repeating back what your partner says in your own words. E.g., “It sounds like you’re really stressed out because ____. Did I get it right?”

• When you’re listening to anger, never tell your partner to “calm down”.

• The first 3 principles are the key to maintaining PSO.

  • When you honor and respect each other, you can appreciate each others’ PoV, even if you don’t agree with it.

Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

• Gottman spends a lot of time in this chapter discussing men. Men have a tendency to refuse their wives any influence in their decision-making. This is a tragic cause of marital problems.
  • Of course, this is only statistics; women can have this tendency as well.
• Regarding religious reasons that men use to refuse their wife’s influence, Gottman has this to say: “All spiritual views of life are consistent with loving and esteeming your spouse.”
  • Regardless of where you fall on the “man is the leader” vs egalitarian perspective, you can accept influence from your wife. It’s about love and respect.
• Some men use mental gymnastics to merge their patriarchal beliefs with this principle:

  • This was brought home to me by a colleague who follows a religious doctrine that exalts patriarchy. He believes that the husband should make all decisions for the family. But he and his wife have an emotionally intelligent marriage. He sees no conflict between his beliefs and accepting influence from his wife. He told me, “I wouldn’t think about making a decision she disagreed with. That would be very disrespectful. We talk and talk about it till we both agree, and then I make the decision.”

  • Of course, he never explains what happens when they disagree…
  • My takeaway here is that every marriage is different. There are many very different ways to run a healthy marriage, but Gottman is laying down some overarching principles that can help any marriage.

Evaluation

Improvement

If you struggle to accept your spouse’s influence, seek to acknowledge, discuss, and take responsibility for this tendency. Allow your spouse to point out when you’re failing to do so.

The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict

• It’s pretty simple: either a conflict is solvable, or it’s not (perpetual).
• If a conflict feels symbolic, it’s likely perpetual.
• If a conflict feels situational or less intense, it’s likely solvable.

Perpetual Problems

• Gottman says about 70% of conflicts are perpetual.
• Most therapists will say you must solve these problems to have a healthy marriage, but Gottman disagrees.
• You should accept the fact that every partner brings many lifelong problems into a marriage.
• Unhealthy marriages fall into a pattern called gridlock, where they have the same conversations about the same perpetual problems, over and over.
• Signs of gridlock:
  • Talking about it doesn’t make headway; you just end up feeling hurt and even more polarized.
  • Conversations about it don’t involve humor, amusement, or affection.
• Gottman says every gridlock conflict is a sign of an underlying “unrequited dream”.

Solvable Problems

See Principle 5.

Improvement

Gottman doesn’t really give much actionable advice; he just says be positive, be kind, and remember that in any marital conflict, there is no absolute reality: only two subjective ones.

Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

• The popular approach, advocated by many marital therapists, is to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes, listen, and communicate (with empathy) that you see the problem from their perspective.
  • Gottman says it’s a good method, but most people simply can’t do it.

1. Soften your start-up.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
   • When you feel flooded, further discussion is not helpful. End the discussion, now. Take at least 20 minutes, and do something distracting and soothing. Don’t think about the conflict or what you’re going to say when you get back.
4. Compromise.
   • In a healthy marriage, you compromise.
   • The cornerstone of compromise is the 4th principle: accepting influence.

     You can’t have a closed mind to your spouse’s opinions and desires. You don’t have to agree with everything they say or believe, but you have to be open to considering their position. If you find yourself sitting with your arms folded and shaking your head no (or just thinking it) when your spouse is trying to talk out a problem, your discussion will never go anywhere.

   • There’s no magical compromise process; just talk about it, and work together on a solution.
5. Process any grievances so they don’t linger.

1. Soften Your Start-Up

• The way you bring up conflict has a large influence on how the conversation goes.
• Research shows that, when you take partial responsibility for the problem, it goes a long way. “Hey, I was supposed to remind you to pick up the kids yesterday, and I forgot. But, I’m still upset…” or, to be less specific, “This isn’t all your fault. I play a role in this issue as well.”
• The best start-up has 4 parts:
  1. Acknowledge that you share responsibility for the issue.
  2. Say what you’re feeling.
  3. About a specific situation.
  4. Say what you need (not what you don’t need).
• Consider, if you could wave a magic wand, what would you wish for? What can your partner do right now?
• Gottman says wives are “usually responsible for a harsh start-up”.
• Use “I-statements” to talk about yourself, without accusing your spouse.
• Describe what’s happening. Do not evaluate or judge— just communicate what you see.
• Be specific about what you want. “Would you clean the house for once?” -> “Can you wipe down the table now?“

2. Learn to Make and Receive Repair Attempts

• A repair attempt is anything you say or do to de-escalate the conflict.
• Examples:

Coping with Common Solvable Problems

1. Unplugging from digital distractions
   • Related: Gottman explains that pornography is harmful, due to less frequent sex, less sexual communication, less mutually satisfying sex, increased risk of betrayal

   • It’s little surprise to me, therefore, that research indicates habitual porn use hurts the nature and quality of sex in relationships— particularly when (as is usually the case) a partner is viewing porn alone and not as part of a couple’s mutual sexual enjoyment.

2. Stress
   • Take time at the end of stressful days to decompress before spending time together.
3. In-Laws
   • Most common family tension is between wife and mother-in-law

     • The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother… He is a husband, then a son.

   • Difficulties can surface early in marriage, or later when children are born, parents age, etc.
   • You have to prioritize your spouse first.
4. Money
   • Work together, as a team.
   • Communicate your goals, dreams, etc.
5. Housework
   • Gottman says men do less housework than women, commonly seeing it as a woman’s job.
   • The solution is for men to do more housework.
   • It’s not about splitting the chores 50/50, it’s about splitting the chores so that both partners feel like they’re being treated fairly.
6. Becoming parents
   • In the first year after the first baby arrives, 67% of women experience a “precipitous plummet” in marital satisfaction; men trail behind in a similar pattern
   • Gottman says the #1 factor isn’t how good of a baby you get; it’s about the husband, who either experiences the transformation alongside the wife, or gets left behind.

   • He loves his child, but he wants his wife back. What’s a husband to do? The answer to his dilemma is simple: he can’t get his wife back— he has to follow her into the new realm she has entered.

   • Often, new mothers are critical of new fathers. Gottman’s advice is for new mothers to back off the criticism and allow their husband to parent their own way— unless, of course, it’s unsafe.
   • Gottman recommends that new fathers play with their babies often, to create a better connection.

   • …dads who spend time with their young babies will discover that infacts are not “blobs” who can do nothing but cry, nurse, poop, and sleep… in short, the father who gets to know his babies… will inevitably find that they love to play with him and that he has a special role in their lives.

   • New mothers can help their husbands transition into fatherhood by acknowledging the attention and priorities that he’s sacrificed for the baby.
   • Fathers can help mothers by modifying their work schedule to help take care of the baby.
7. Sex
   • Most commonly, men want more frequent sex.
   • Couples should make sex a priority, instead of considering it a last priority to be considered after everything else.
   • Apparently, Gottman sells t-shirts with this funny slogan: “Every Positive Thing You Do in Your Relationship is Foreplay.” But seriously, expand your definition of “sex” beyond intercourse, to be more like “romance”.
   • Talk about sex. Don’t be afraid to be specific— it will help. Don’t be critical of one another. Talk about what you like/dislike.
   • Be sensitive, listen, and be willing to compromise.
   • When you want sex, but your partner doesn’t, be willing to accept “no” without criticizing, condemning, or complaining.

Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

• Sometimes, problems just aren’t solvable, and couples get engaged in “gridlock”
• Some perpetual problems are monumental; some would seem small to anyone outside the marriage.
• 4 signs of gridlock:
  1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
  2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
  3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarized as time goes on.
  4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out— giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.
• Gottman says that gridlock is a sign that one of you has dreams for your life that the other person isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect.
• To overcome gridlock, each partner should share their dreams (in regards to the issue at hand). Listen to each other with empathy, and it will help you compromise.

Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

• Create a culture in your marriage and family.
• Establish traditions.
• You don’t have to agree about everything.
• Discuss your convictions, and agree on common values.

The 4 Pillars of Shared Meaning:

1. Rituals of Connection
   • Create traditions and rituals that you enjoy.
   • It’s ok to pull inspiration from your childhood, but don’t be afraid to create new traditions.
2. Support for Each Other’s Roles
   • Regardless of whether you lean towards traditional gender roles, egalitarian, or something else, discuss and agree on your roles in the family.
3. Shared Goals
4. Shared Values and Symbols