Single. Dating. Engaged. Married.

Ben Stuart

5/5

"I loved it"

Single. Dating. Engaged. Married. is an incredibly long and annoying title to write and say, but an excellent book (I’ll call it SDEM from here on out). It is an accumulation of some of the best lessons about love, in one book— and because it discusses the 4 major steps of all romantic relationships, it’s relevant to all Christians (you should know, because the title doesn’t explicitly say, that this book is about Christian relationships).

I read this book whilst dating my now-wife, and I found the “future” sections incredibly helpful for framing my perspective about those romantic seasons. This book really cemented some core concepts of Christian relationships, like how to be Christian and single and be okay (or not) with that, or how dating should always have an end goal in mind, or how you can know you’re ready for engagement.

I think Ben Stuart has a healthy perspective of Christian romantic relationships, and this book is a culturally-aware guidebook for how to go about them. Of course, this book is not scripture, and shockingly little of what he says is backed by scripture— it’s mostly just some guy’s advice that I happen to like very much.

Notes

Overview

”We love because he first loved us.”
— John 4:19

Dating

When dating:

7 principles to consider:

  1. Prayerfully date
    • Alleviates fear from “Am I doing the right thing?”
  2. Communicate with clarity

    Much of the anguish in modern dating could be fixed is we mustered the courage to graciously tell each other what we think, how we feel, and what we would like to do.

    • You want to be able to say “I always know where I stand with them. I don’t have to guess what they’re thinking.”
  3. Date decisively, with a goal in mind
    • Dating is a “season of real evaluation that leads to a solid conclusion: either we are a good partnership or we are not.”
  4. Date with sexual purity
    • Don’t have sex. It’s a bonding experience meant for marriage.

    • The lack of sexual fulfillment creates a tension that propels the evaluation process.

  5. Date with an open heart and mind.
    • Consider that it may not work out, but strive to make the other person better regardless.
  6. Engage your community

    • Romantic feelings are intoxicating and at times distorting. In the throes of infatuation, we can lose objectivity.

    • Seek wisdom of others (potentially parents)
  7. Date patiently
    • Learning someone’s character takes time.
    • See how they handle different challenges and seasons.

Engagement

How do you know you’re ready to get engaged?

  1. Strong sense of mutual commitment to one another.
    • Do you want to work through problems together? Sure, you may be able to, but do you want to?
    • Wait for character flaws and annoying habits to manifest. Are they things you’re ready to handle?
    • Our emotions rise and fall. It’s probably unrealistic to expect to know 100% of the time that you want to marry this person. Focus on the 80-90%.
  2. Communication.
    • If you aren’t disagreeing, why? Is someone hiding their feelings out of fear? Are you refusing to share what you really think?
    • When you are hurt, focus on communicating what you know: their actions, and your feelings. Never assume their motivation.
      • E.g. “you said X, and it makes me feel sad because X” instead of “why are you trying to hurt me?”
  3. Confession.
    • At some point before engagement, you should open up and share your important “secrets” with each other.
  4. Ensure you have the support of your community.

Takeaways