Getting to Yes

Roger Fisher, Bruce Patton, William Ury

3/5

"I liked it"

Review

Getting to Yes was a refreshing and enjoyable book. I recently read Never Split the Difference (NStD) by Chris Voss, but I didn’t like it very much (I rated it 1/5). In my mind, these two books stand in almost direct opposition to each other, and I’m on the Getting to Yes side of things.

Michael Rosenburg, the author of Nonviolent Communication, often says that we get “addicted to our strategies.” In other words, we stubbornly insist on getting what we want in the specific way we want. When we do this, we leave other (possibly better) options unconsidered. We also get our feelings hurt when our positions are threatened or criticized.

Getting to Yes focuses largely on this concept and highlights the importance of negotiating based on principles— not positions, not pressure, not manipulation, not blame. I also enjoyed this book’s focus on empathy. The authors pretty clearly state that if you want to have a meaningful negotiation, you should seek to understand and empathize with the other side. People want to feel understood, not manipulated!

A common trope of self-help books is the author’s confidence and know-it-all attitude. You’ll often read things like “using this ONE tactic will guarantee a win,” or “I discovered something that will change your life FOREVER!” Truthfully, there are few books that have such dramatic and impactful information. This is why I appreciated the humility of Fisher, Ury, and Patton.

A couple examples of the humility I’m talking about:

• It’s specifically mentioned in the book that these guidelines won’t work every time; there are some people and situations that you can’t control very much, regardless of how many self-help negotiation books you read.

• In the conclusion, the authors admit that this book’s value is not necessarily that it contains groundbreaking advice, but that it distills the best advice into a usable framework— and real growth will come from experience!

”There is probably nothing in this book which you did not already know at some level of your experience.”

A book can point you in a promising direction… No one, however, can make you skillful but yourself… Studying books on tennis, swimming, riding a bicycle, or riding a horse will not make you an expert. Negotiation is no different.

This book is not about how to take advantage of people, but rather how to achieve an efficient negotiation process. I’ll close with this quote from the last page of the book:

Takeaways

• Resist the urge to stubbornly dig into your positions.
• Consider the underlying interest behind the position. Why does this person want it this way?
• Consider alternative solutions to achieve that interest.
• Lean on objective standards to help you negotiate.
• Don’t cave into pressure. Negotiate on principles.

Notes

Authors argue that our natural default negotiation tactic is “positional bargaining”, where each person takes a position and argues for it. In this framing, people are either “soft” or “hard” bargainers, depending on whether they value agreement or victory, respectively.

The Harvard Negotiation Project developed an alternative method they call principled negotiation. It has 4 major points:

1. People: Separate the people from the problem.
2. Interests: Focus on interests, not positions.
3. Options: Generate a variety of possibilities before deciding what to do.
4. Criteria: Insist that the result be based on some objective standard.

1. Separate the People from the Problem

• Remember that every negotiation involves people. People have emotions; people are unpredictable!
• When people take positions, it’s easier to tie in their egos. By taking a position, you’re saying: this is what I think is best (even if it’s a terrible deal for you!)
• All conflict arises from people, not the object of your disagreement. So, if you want to move forward, focus on the other person, not the problem.

  • Ultimately, however, conflict lies not in objective reality, but in people’s heads… the difference itself exists because it exists in their thinking.

• The ability to see the situation as the other side sees it, as difficult as it may be, is one of the most important skills a negotiator can possess… if you want to influence them, you also need to understand empathetically the power of their point of view and to feel the emotional force with which they believe in it.

• Don’t blame people.

  • But even if blaming is justified, it is usually counterproductive. Under attack, the other side will become defensive and will resist what you have to say. They will cease to listen, or they will strike back with an attack of their own.

• Involve people in the solution. Otherwise, they may not accept it.

  • Often in a negotiation people will continue to hold out not because the proposal on the table in inherently unacceptable, but simply because they want to avoid the feeling or the appearance of backing down to the other side.

  • So true…
• Listen actively and acknowledge what is being said.
  • Use: “Did I understand correctly that you are saying that…?”
• Speak about yourself, not them.

  • ”I feel let down” instead of “You broke your word."

  • "We feel discriminated against” instead of “You’re a racist.”

  • …a statement about how you feel is difficult to challenge.

• Get to know them.

  • The more quickly you can turn a stranger into someone you know, the easier a negotiation is likely to become.

Focus on Interests, Not Positions

• Identify the underlying interest behind a position.

  • First, for every interest there usually exist several possible positions that could satisfy it.

• To identify the underlying interest, ask “Why?”
• The most powerful interests are basic human needs, like security, a sense of belonging, recognition, control over one’s life, etc.
• State the other person’s interests aloud and ensure you understand their perspective.
• Put the problem before your answer.
  • E.g., “this happened, then this happened, so I think we should do this…”

Invent Options for Mutual Gain

• There is a common assumption of “the fixed pie”. In other words, people assume that their negotiation is a zero-sum game; if you win, I lose, and vice versa. But in real life, this is often not the case.
• When “inventing options”, be creative first, then analytical and decisive later.
• Brainstorm. Come up with wild ideas, but don’t judge them yet— outlaw criticism of any kind.

Insist on Using Objective Criteria

• I like how the authors acknowledge that not everything can be win-win.

  • However well you understand the interests of the other side, however ingeniously you invent ways of reconciling interests, however highly you value an ongoing relationship, you will almost always face the harsh reality of interests that conflict. No talk of “win-win” strategies can conceal that fact.

• In standard conflicts, it’s usually a battle of will. Who is more stubborn? Who is more generous?

  • …trying to reconcile differences on the basis of will has serious costs. No negotiation is likely to be efficient or amicable if you pit your will against theirs, and either you have to back down or they do.

• In short, the approach is to commit yourself to reaching a solution based on principle, not pressure.

• Try to come to an objectively “fair” solution.

• Never yield to pressure, only principle.

• Negotiating using principles does not mean you put your foot down and say “I’m on the principled side; you’re crazy.” It means coming together and agreeing on an objective standard.
• If there are multiple standards, you could “split the difference” or otherwise compromise between them.
• You won’t always win this way, but you will have an edge.
• If the other person won’t budge, won’t explain themselves, and won’t discuss objective criteria, then you have a choice: take it or leave it.

What If They Are More Powerful?

• No method can guarantee success if all the leverage lies on the other side.

• Pick a “bottom line” in advance of negotiation.
  • E.g., decide a minimum amount you’ll take for something you’re selling, and don’t take anything less.
  • But, just understand that bottom lines are restrictive and limiting. By definition, you’re closing your mind to alternative options that you may even prefer.
• Consider your “BATNA” (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement)
  • AKA, what happens if the deal falls through? Do you have someone else lined up, or is this your only option?
  • It’s easy to put this off, like “oh, I’ll just try to sell the house for a month, and then see what happens,” but that’s poor planning.

What If They Won’t Play?

If the other person “won’t play”, and instead just attacks you…

• Don’t react to their attacks. Don’t get defensive, don’t attack them.
• Try to redirect to the problem.
• Remember, consider their underlying interest behind their position. Their position is just one possible strategy of getting what they want.
• Use questions to get them to consider your thoughts.
• Use silence. When they say something completely unreasonable, be silent.
• When you ask questions, pause. Don’t let them off the hook by immediately firing into the next question.
• If things go really poorly, you can bring in a third party to mediate the negotiation. This person should develop a draft solution, gather criticism from both sides, and revise the draft, doing all of this a few times.

What If They Play Dirty?

If you feel like someone is manipulating you…

• Ask about what you’re noticing. “Hey, it seems like you’re trying to…”
• Don’t try to teach someone a lesson in the middle of negotiation.
• Remember, you can always call their bluff and walk away.
  • E.g., “It seems like you’re not interested in a fair negotiation. Call me if you change your mind. See you in court.”